After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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