I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
