So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
