I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
