And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
