If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
