omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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