i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
