I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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