i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
