I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
