I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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