I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's rum buckets o'clock
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
