Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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