i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
