having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
