My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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