Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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