Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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