Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Randomize
