I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
PANTIES FOUND
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