Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
