Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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