theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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