She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
