I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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