Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize