if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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