Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's never too late to be topless.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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