Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize