clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
