You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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