how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
