She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
