i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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