I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize