seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
