Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
