i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
