And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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