Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize