Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My pussy is not your playground.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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