Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
