im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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