2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
