Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
