How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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