I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
