Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
