Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
