my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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