Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
