I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Randomize
