Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
