My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
