im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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