I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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