My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
