Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
