last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
